A friend pointed out that I have the gift of removal. That I have the ability to separate myself from a situation, to understand the motivations of others, as something distinct from the effect it has on me. I had never thought of this as a gift, but rather a curse. For if you can understand why someone does the things they do, it is very hard to fault them for it.
I had no idea how rare this ability, or rather, this habit is. Then I looked around. I saw how quick to judge others people often are without first looking into themselves. I always thought my anxieties were merely an affliction. Now I see them as an exercise. For before I judge others and their actions, I always look to my own. This is selfish perhaps, but it is a selfishness that I use to interact better with others.
Please do not misunderstand me. I often get angry, hurt, and irrational. Quite frequently I do the wrong things or say them. I am imperfect and erratic. I neither fully understand nor accept the human psyche. But, before I look to the faults of others I always, always look to my own.
This might seem a form of self mutilation, and in a way it is. I attack myself at every turn. I am never safe from my own reproach. But in a way, I am doing the best I can.
@RobeAndSlippers said, “The definition of insanity isn’t doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. It’s expecting anyone to care” Disdainful? Perhaps. Cynical? Maybe. Realistic? Sadly. To feel as though your decisions, your opinions, or your actions are actually going to affect anyone else is ridiculous and selfish. Instead, one should be ‘selfish’ and think “Am I doing something that I can be proud of?”
For in the end, no one cares as much as you do about yourself. If you are lucky, you will be your own best friend. If you are normal, you will be your own worst enemy. But if you are intelligent you will be your own biggest critic.
People say that you should treat others the way you wish to be treated. I instead say you should treat yourself the way you treat others. Judge yourself mercilessly, for others will.
Change your ideas constantly. Grow daily. Seek to live in a way that is beyond reproach but with the knowledge that there can be no such life.
Yours in unswerving self-consciousness,
The Wandering Aesthete
